Charleston Area Barbies

Disclaimer: I did not write this. This list circulated via email a few years ago. It's a little mean-spirited, but it's pretty much an equal opportunity offender.

Charleston Area Barbies

Elkview Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, three kids, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.

Woodbridge Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Brags about area museums, though she's never been to one. Traffic jamming cell phone, real estate license sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit and large, untrained dog available.

Clendenin Barbie: This snuff rubbing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Elkview Barbie's house. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Chevy Corsica.

Sissonville Barbie: Comes with an older SUV with "my kid can kick your honor student's ass " bumper sticker on the back. She comes with extra wide hips from all the kids she has had. Also has a trailer hitch on the SUV for the Jon Boat or camper that "Drunken Ken" tows to the lake and fishes on once a year. Works at Wal-Mart.

South Hills Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or an entry level Mercedes. Included are her own platinum credit card, a Berry Hills membership from a generous settlement from her ex, and a map to find her way to the beach. Also available for this set are Shallow Revenge Boyfriend Ken and Spoiled Rotten Private School Skipper.

West Side Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we don't know what you're talking about.

Kanawha City Barbie: This Barbie is the most expensive, due to her extravagant outfit: Mink full-length coat and 5 carat diamond ring, Prada shoes and Versace pantsuits bought on "sprees" in New York. This Barbie also has a blank stare due to weight-reducing insulin injections and is nicknamed "Botox Barbie".

Edgewood Barbie: This Barbie drives a BMW SUV that has never seen a dirt road but travels to Huntington for brunch. Edgewood Ken also comes with an assortment of polos, 5 putters, and is available with a snifter glass of brandy, a Cuban cigar, and a 48-foot Hatteras Sport Fisher permanently parked in his back yard.

East End Barbie: Attire includes Low-waisted jeans, too long with rips along the cuffs, a T-shirt 2-sizes-too-small purchased in the little boys section of the thrift store, flip-flops & horn-rimmed glasses. Hair is cut asymmetrically & dyed dark burgundy. This Barbie is pierced and tattooed and mixes equally well with the arts crowd and the downtown gays.

Winfield Barbie: This average looking, cigarette smoking, bleached-blonde Barbie comes with pumps, tight pants, and a red spaghetti strap half shirt to show off her belly button ring and lower back tattoo. This Barbie comes with a Ford Mustang GT, a cell phone with an assortment of annoying ring-tones, as well as a night bag. She also comes with three "good-guy banker" dolls to match the local gender statistics. Serves as unofficial hostess for visiting General Assemblymen in the spring. Additional options include the "get out of the DUI free" card.

Quarry Creek Barbie: This larger city transplant from mostly NYC and California comes dressed in almost designer clothes out of TJ Maxx. This model speaks phrases like "Everything is better in NYC" or "In California we don't have to do that." She can also bitch up a storm about what Charleston doesn't have, but forgets that this is her new home and moved here for a reason, meaning a job with lower cost of living. She comes with her own 10,000 sq. ft. mansion that was paid for by selling her 1,500 sq. ft. home at $900,000. She enjoys not working and spending Ken's money. You can purchase separately a local Charleston doll that has lived here for more than 5 years holding a sign that says "If you don't like it here, move the hell back."